"Nothing heals heartbreak like screaming Olivia Rodrigo at full volume."
From: [email protected]83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8pOYPFajU7
To: [email protected]83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOIbbfCr8RY
Subject: pettiest playlist of the year goes to… me
eli.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6nCpyuto2t
i made a playlist titled “for when your groupmate uses comic sans and your faith in humanity breaks.”83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1KRW3XxeGw
i’m currently scream-singing to track 4 while eating cereal with a fork because all my spoons are in the sink.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMsCYcKfznZ
it’s a mood.
– maya83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7i51lVmPs
sad. dramatic. cereal-forking.
From: [email protected]83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIq4cNCLN5z
To: [email protected]83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuDUbVuY2XR
Subject: cereal fork is a vibe
maya.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXeKBA2hEij
track 4 better be “good 4 u” or i’m calling the authorities.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJxqXgaxFr
also, the fork thing is valid. i once drank iced coffee with a knife. no regrets.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡthWzLwxkEY
send me the playlist. for... peer review.
– eli83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJlfsVmArCb
music snob, chaos enabler
From: [email protected]83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZlSsU0G2nj
To: [email protected]83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgTvn9Zs98x
Subject: attached: rage therapy 💕
okay you asked for it.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHCeQ0Onuhs
enjoy: [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4mtUmL00VaYfC0gkEH0Odt?si=uPQWcd-5RuGOfoOppIcfQg] “dear god why do men” — a playlist in five stages of grief, three accidental crushes, and one cup of weaponized spite.
tracklist highlights:
misery business – paramore
better than revenge – taylor swift
good 4 u – olivia rodrigo
brutal – also olivia, my queen
should’ve said no – taylor again, obviously
kill bill – sza (i don’t condone murder, but i vibe)
– maya83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtmZYeUFci4
the most dramatic person you never met
From: [email protected]83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxoxfo7lbL
To: [email protected]83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjcD9Sor7PP
Subject: playlist review: violently iconic
maya.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAAHOmR7Id8
i have goosebumps.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjabBYK6LDu
i want to fight someone. i don’t even know who. but i’m hyped.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpjM2qPf9O2
“kill bill” came on and i almost texted my ex “good luck.”83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIlZCpuYbe6
i didn’t. but spiritually, i did.
also: “dear god why do men” deserves a grammy for best emotional support.
– eli83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX48swlCGAb
threatened. inspired.
From: [email protected]83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKBCCwtd1kr
To: [email protected]83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvEftws8o2V
Subject: so we’re rage soulmates now?
eli,83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZH3ZpUh2A
you passed the vibe check.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGF1ydraGUN
you didn’t question my musical angst or my cereal fork.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRaIYUqBlEk
this feels like the start of something irrationally comforting.
ps: have you ever cried to phoebe bridgers in a parking lot or is that just me?
– maya83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcrrWygiMw9
emotionally stable adjacent
From: [email protected]83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKpn6AEV1Jd
To: [email protected]83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9nz5NK0TCM
Subject: phoebe bridgers made me cry at the DMV
maya.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcbS9uxIrtU
“motion sickness” came on. i was holding a ticket that said A132.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ552FPDfO6K
i did cry.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ApMKg7iVj
the security guard offered me a tissue and a mint.
so yes. we’re bonded now.
– eli83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpFcxSy6K7v
co-president, feelings club
From: [email protected]83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhz7NdB6AH4
To: [email protected]83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNdB1SW56ie
Subject: certified mood
i would like to formally nominate you as:
my email pen pal
my official heartbreak soundtrack consultant
and co-author of “texts we never sent but emotionally screamed”
it’s a growing resume. benefits include emotional chaos and unsolicited memes.
– maya83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡojrm8j0ECy
possibly your new internet pen friend
From: [email protected]83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdpXikUxsXy
To: [email protected]83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxw2OiYWU91
Subject: i accept the role
with great inbox comes great responsibility.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgpheU5j2y2
you send the songs, i’ll send the sarcasm.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2q1oBZvfn2
together we’re like...83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNMgsH34mx3
the emotional avengers.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRIlunji2ix
no capes though. just playlists.
– eli83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEaCdAq8uwv
ready to rage, reply, repeat
Attachment: Liner Notes from Eli Martin83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7UiLGEfXa
🎧 “dear god why do men” – Reviewed
📝 liner notes by eli, who has clearly felt too much and judged too many fonts
Track 1: Misery Business – Paramore83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrmGRSn5sU7
this track made me want to break up with someone i’m not dating.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Vue68ZdU3
⭐ rage level: 9.5/10
Track 2: Better Than Revenge – Taylor Swift83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDTd6WI3q12
may have shouted “she’s not a saint!” at a squirrel.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqlb3wbITqf
⭐ sass factor: 11/10
Track 3: good 4 u – Olivia Rodrigo83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjlNFBem2WR
screamed into a spoon. felt better.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOfOSaiOWI4
⭐ catharsis: 10/10
Track 4: brutal – Olivia Rodrigo83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPgrXzki5k8
i knocked over a lamp. worth it.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5MFXylNDs
⭐ chaos energy: unmeasurable
Track 5: should’ve said no – Taylor Swift83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrtlpMwhjVU
the rain cried for me.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRIgDo6lQOH
⭐ drama: peak
Track 6: Kill Bill – SZA83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUrE74PUX2B
i do not condone murder. but i understand.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEE5lmpI3CY
⭐ emotional weaponry: activated
Final thoughts:83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVJqyJ3kbey
this playlist isn't therapy. it's exorcism.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGmeJuJvwOC
i feel seen, personally attacked, and spiritually lighter.83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQWH4AEfTtb
maya, if you ever make another one — please consider me your chaos consultant.
– eli83Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡybXKPNneB3
officially unwell in a poetic way
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