快得超過跑道 直插入雲霧
活得短似朝露 洗擦著墳墓
浮泥上 要建造凈土
為回報 越搏越糟
––––《生死疲勞》 麥浚龍
His quietness stopped her worry in the job, she was happy to have some pace in her life after she saw him. Subconsciously said “thank you”, neither she loved him nor she had the thought to improve the relationship because of the job, it was just the attitude for her past 27 years. She was just a junior staff, she didn’t have a chance to meet him. However, it didn’t stop the rumour in the office, talking about their relationship.
She was finding the way to cut off the link, to stop the agony of her. If her life continued, she willed once again end her life, which also meant, when she opened her eyes, she needed to experience again. Looking back to the story behind her in her soul which she believed the dream belonged to, she couldn’t bear to see her body in the water again. It was cruel to her, it was also cruel to him.
During the research, she found a newspaper that talked about the death 45 years ago. The article pointed out the suspiciousness of the news, 26 years ago before the accident, a woman with the similar appearance jumped into the water too. It also attempted to do investigation, found out that Dan was their lover which might proof the possibility of murder in this case. Danielle recalled her memory in the dream, the blood, the words which showed how Dan influenced to her.
“If this world has god, can you please rescue me after my jump and from him?”
The main cause of reincarnation was him. Contrarily, this world was always worked in a different way. After infinitely rejections, the reason for staying here was not money.
So, she didn’t consider resigning from the company. It is too hard for her to catch the 1% chance in the life, that was her thoughts. What she could do is to focus on now, but not the past, and not the future. She couldn’t declined to extreme weather, she could only comfort herself.
The job was simple to her. Invention was not her job, she just needed to input the data to the system. She couldn’t see how rapid the development of the technology, she could only see how the thing worked to her. The world had already ran and she stood at the initial point. Everyone who persisted to paper and words neglected to this. Word could help her to express herself, but how technology meant to her?
She found how she confined to herself, maybe everyone also. Money, work were the desire which was also limitations. Editor taught her how to be unperturbed with the life, maybe that was the reason why she was decisive when they met. At the same it also brought her sensitive because she exploded people’s heart, not only the main character in news but also the general public everyday.
2 weeks later, on 31st December was the New year party of the company which was unimaginable in the newspaper company with war between times, people and words. A simple black evening gown was all she had, she didn’t want to be eyes-catching, however she couldn’t.
“Danielle, I heard that your lover will come today.” Someone told her.
“Who?” Danielle just arrived the restaurant, she didn’t have the mood to analyse the word “lover” in her head.
“He is coming, is Dan.”
Colleague’s mind was that obvious. The smile showed the courtesy, it was the only way to leave from the topic. It was not a suitable time to talk about how she was fervent to extricated from him. The research before didn’t bring a solution, each which meant she was closer to the water. How could she talk about the complicated feeling with an outsider?
So the party was went on. Dan was talking with the managers, she was glad to leave the real world in this moment, to enjoy with the music and food. In this second, she realised the word ‘enjoy’. Not for others, just for your heart, for your dream, for your body. You were reassured to hand over yourself. The lesson from god to her was putting her to the edge of death. One second disparity from the collapse of the building willed change the life of her, she couldn’t sit here, and she could only trapped into her dream without nervous.
This stability end when he came. She saw his surprised on his face, how he looked forward to seeing her in the company meeting. However he never understood her, the scary in her heart, how she walked to him grudgingly.
“Sorry I have to leave.” Standing up, but he grasped her hand. “My world was destroyed because of you, please stopped your action,.”
“What did you see from the doctor?” The unbelievable face told his unacceptable.
“I saw you stabbed me, I saw I lost the tear on the day of my death because I was despaired to you, I saw my pray before I jumped into the water! How could you compensate to me, my life?”
The camouflage tore. Maybe it was not the first time to lost control in-front of his, however, this time, her voice included the explosion of her feeling, unambiguously tell him how soreness she was.
The resounding from her words broke the happiness in the party. She saw the astonished face from others but she only felt relief. It was the words covered with her body, she didn’t expect to say them out. This impetuosity was her desirability from her dream.
This should be end. She couldn’t tangle with him forever. Her life ended because of him, her life became a mess because of him. She couldn’t think what willed happen in the rest of her life, she only wished to diminished the hurt from him in this moment.
“I prayed to god to forget you in my next life.” She finally lost her voice, begging him to go away.
“Danielle, lets’ have a talk after the party.” Dan felt her emotion, his experience on business told him to walk away from this ferocious beast. It was the first time he gave up his persistent to her.
The party continued. She left as she felt cramped in the room. It is hard to breath. Maybe she should be grateful to find an person to love her, because she had never found love in her family. A divorce was implemented when she was 3 years, Mary was the person to take care of her in these years. However, the love was different between Mary and parents, she still hoped to find a person to fall in love with her.
So she walked to him after the party ended. This was her first question.
“This party held because of me?”
“Yes, you are right, but it is not the only reason. I admit that I love you, but the circumstances of the economy impelled resignation, I have to find some ways to motivate them.”
“Do you know, if you said this is your plan to make me fell in love with you, I will leave now.” Danielle smiled. “I think it is a chance to tell you that entered your company for life, not love.”
“We are all in the plan. That is the reason of meeting you now. I never know we still have the chance to talk together. After your message, I pondered what to do next. What do I need from you–––or is it true to get something from a person? This curious thought kill the chance between us. Our distence to friends become harder and harder. That’s why I didn’t find you while work.”
“You finally sympathise other’s feeling.” She stopped for a while. “I hate myself why I followed your step in our dream, the deepest level in the heart is now telling me how harmful you could be, so I cannot stop to detest you. All I want is peace, can you give me?”
“Sure.”
The clock in the restaurant walked forward, it was the 2096. The crowd outside contrasted with the silence inside. He looked outside, said “Did you remember the words 79 years ago?”
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[31st December 2017
This is our first quarrel after we are together because I forget to count down with you. You believe the connection is the way to maintain the relationship, however, I deemed not to consolidate our relationship by getting us together. Danielle, I felt that I am going to lose you.]
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The rule of the world had never changed. However, human had the chance to consciousness and achieved personal growth. The quarrel willed never end, but on that day, they ended peacefully.
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When she chose to believe the story, she was in the story. She never stopped find the “true” from the universe, about the reason of death, about who she was. The emotion from exploring influenced the actions and feeling, she was trying to tell him her victory in-front of him, telling him she could work without him. And this was right, the work here showed her independent, she strived to save herself from death, but god had the arrangement when she existed in the world.
She stood at the centre in the box. The black brought her fear, but she could not move, so she closed her eyes.
“My dear, do you feel happier now?” The first day of 2095, it was the day for talk.
“I thought I went away from death, but I never walked away from fear.” The soft voices leaded her to pace, she opened her eyes. This time she could finally look at the face––––she remembered the person she saw in clinic. “You are me?”
“I choose to use this method to meet you because you have one step further from the truth. You know the cause of the accident is about him, you understand it works to no avail to fight from fate. But, you miss something.”
“What?”
“You are persisting in him.”
“I didn’t. I am trying to stay away from him these days.” She was thinking. “Oh yes, we had a talk 3 hours before.”
“Not only that.” The shadow in-front of her beamed. “You still have the thought of changing everything, you want to escape from death. Your understanding of life and fate are only the desire, you never really walk through from death.
You gave up yourself 5 years ago to sprint to the plan. You walked to another pathway to be an editor, it was the discussion after you and your mum. But, have you ever thought of why you always need to run for the purpose in your life?”
“It is natural for a person to change when he feel unexpected in his life or fate. Just like my death, I knew I willed have the same action in the past. Why I cannot say no to my predestined life?”
“You learnt from the earthquake that the world was arranged by a unascertained forces in the world which means your “change” was impractical. Your death in 2017 and 2045 told you the fate. You have never changed, people in the world have never changed. Because we are mortal who cannot live without worldly affairs which was created by the power in the long time ago. Our desire only trap within the world, that’s why will never be a unruffled person, that’s why you willed never escape from death.”
Danielle was convincing to stay kind in this dream. She felt the understanding of real world was decomposed and rebuilding. The believe, the story in her heart was suddenly released. She was obstinately focus on the “aim” in her dream and life, because she was part of the world, she willed never go anywhere else beside this world. But, could she do this? The word “death” was too heavy for her, she finally realised that she never understand herself. The dream helped her to get closer to herself, but in this second, she could still see the distance.
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Dan returned to his office after the partly. Her words lingered in his ear.
“I prayed to god to forget you in my next life.”
“Do you know, if you said this is your plan to make me fell in love with you, I will leave now.”
The story was the fetter, brought them to this world. He thought the link between them was love, but now he found that the “love” in his heart was only the stubborn of her. He couldn’t love her as he hurt her in the past and this, brought him the heart to prove himself in this time. He borned in a family that loved to use fight for the way of love, that’s why the only thing he learnt from this experience was being a fighter. He fought to his lover, and he lost the way to love other and his love at last.
Did he love her? At this moment, when he thought back in this life, he didn’t think so. If he loved her, he willed not want to find the love from others. His life was full of cold and hurt, for him, she was the sun shine in his life.
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[4th February 2019
Our distance keeps us apart, the broken heart will never restitute, and my love will never wither. You started to break the conversation between us, you told me that you hated me. The only reaction I can do it is seizure.]
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He was trying to balance between seizure her and the end of the love. They knew the final charter in this story every time, however the way they did was pushing them to the same end again. Seizure, willed only kill the relationship between them; whatever they did, they willed finally meet each other again in the story in the same office.
He could not make the harm appeared again, therefore he called Danielle.
“Can we forget the love story between us and become friends?”
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