Do you know what I want? Of course you don’t, it’s a rhetorical question. But still, do you really want to know? I’m not even sure I want to tell. My thoughts are so very hard to deal with at the moment. I have days where I just want to scream out what I’m thinking and other days where I wish I could just turn everything off.
I try to clear my head, but most of the time I only end up making matters worse by getting frustrated that I can’t think about anything else. It makes me mad when I can’t control what I let myself think about. You know?
Anyway, back on topic… sort of. I want to get some answers. I want to know what I should do. I’m kind of an idiot when it comes to just about everything (except school, mostly). I just wish that I could figure some life things out. Yes, I know what I want to be when I’m older. I want to become a nurse and help the people and whatnot. I have that plan. I know what to do strategically. But, what about all the in-between?
What about the drama and the friendships and the love? I mean, how am I supposed to deal with that kind of stuff? I’m lost when it comes to romance and flirting. I like odd things. I’m awkward and anti-social. I build up walls and pretend to be a bitch because I don’t want to let people think I’m not really all that “cool” and “interesting”. I just don’t know.
Most of the time I feel like I’m such a fake, like I’m hiding the real me behind a curtain and I’m waiting for someone to finally pull it back to show who the real star is. I only talk about things like this when I’m on here because this is the only place I can really rant and let some stuff out. I feel like an idiot for posting about my useless, first-world problems. What else am I supposed to do?
I’m a teenage girl who doesn’t know what she feels. Or rather, I’m someone who tends to feel everything too strongly and end up getting let down. Life is so hard and tough and grueling and cruel sometimes. I hate the world sometimes, and everyone in it.
Everything annoys me. My friends are beginning to be people I talk to, but not people I rely on and trust. I can’t talk to them about this because everyone else has their own problems. Mine are only a nuisance in the light of their problems. They matter more than me. I give them advice and encourage them, but when I start to feel down it’s only a matter of time before they change the subject and move on.
I don’t feel like a real person anymore. I feel like a figure drifting in the abyss of life. I don’t seem to matter. I seem to be a person who is always on the sidelines. I know that I could change that if I really wanted to, I could pretend. I could try to be happy, but that’s so hard when you don’t have that much to be happy about. I’m breathing, I make good grades, I have a decent family, that’s nice and all, but what about the stuff on the inside. The things that are going to shape me as a person. Where are all those inspirational people and lessons I’m meant to learn? Where is my Augustus Waters or my Nana Osaki? Who am I supposed to count and rely on? Me?
I don’t want to be alone, though.
I don’t want to be the only person who understands me. I just want to be around someone who gets it all. I want someone who knows what crap tastes like and lets that make them a better person. I want good. I want nice. I want something.
I want some sort of humanly connection!
Is that too much? Can I not have someone like that? Everyone needs someone. I just need someone to lean on, someone to help me stand as I walk on my own. I don’t need a miracle, I just need somebody to get it.
Now I feel ridiculous. I need a miracle? What about everyone else? What do they get? What about the starving or the helpless? I’m being selfish, I know. I’m being needy and whiny. I know.
I don’t do it often, honest. It’s just hard to keep a brave face all the time. There’s too much that sucks to be happy all the time. I try, I really do. But, even when the strongest person tries their hardest, they still can’t hold the earth. It’s a fact, but not something we like to remember.
– Right well, I think I’m done for the night. Enjoy my depressing and completely pathetic ramblings. Everyone needs to let something out they’ve been holding in, this is just where I tend to do that. Never know, someone might feel the exact same way.
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P.S. Ignore the grammar mistakes, it's late and I don't feel like reading it over.
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