8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGM8T4L8YwThere is this sudden need; it has settled into my blood, my bones, my nerves, the ridges in my fingers and the cuts under my nails. It screams at me oh so softly; it keeps pushing me off this high horse I have designated to myself since I was seventeen. Its warmth makes me shiver; it forces me to face a reality I know I have been escaping from. How cold it truly is. How cold I truly feel. How cold I truly am.
In full transparency, if you were to ask me whether I would prefer this cold over a creeping warmth long overdue, I would answer before I would register your question.
Yes.
And then I lay in regret. I wonder what would have been the outcome if I had been earnestly loyal to my honesty. Who I would have been if I had tried to be that warmth that I know speaks from the deepest part of myself. That speaks, I suppose, unalienated.
Yesterday my brother asked me to play pat-a-cake. My chest swelled like a balloon, the rushing of soft swelling to my cheeks- pushing and pushing of this giggly heat, yet all that came out was a mockery of authenticity, an abysmal display of sarcasm, the complete and utter runt of a litter. And I watched as he turned away, feeling the light leaving as his back faced me, something I caused by being too much of a coward to show affection towards someone who never asks for anything more.
I wish to sit and laugh and cry and sing and dance and so much more till my head hurts and my stomach aches. I wish to rearrange this clutter of a mind that I have tangled myself in. I wish, I wish, I wish, oh how desperately I wish to speak my mind.
There is a barricade lodged in my throat, a dam built too high for water that is left scorching in the sun, forced away from the great mother sea. All I want is to allow this barren land to feel watered. This land that was never too much or too little or too big or too small. This land that was never undeserving to be kept. This river that never flowed the way it was meant to.
To smile till my lips are taut and broken, bearing teeth, hoping I finally resemble something human.
Today, I granted myself some luxury.
I saw the stars today; I felt myself float up to meet them, I felt myself let the water seep through the cracks. I felt the water soak into the land; I felt the touch of a summer breeze chip away slowly, like a termite to pine.
Fly fly fly away
Such a lousy bird, stubborn and old.
Sweep away the remnants of dust and matter with your wings
What a sour look I wear when my tooth aches from saying something too sweet.
How much I have missed my confectionery. Will you listen? To the banging on the window? To the curious cat leaning against your arm? To the albatross circling you as the breeze lifts it higher and higher? To that sickly warmth pulling, unravelling and ripping apart at your innards, morbid with blossoming affection oozing from the wounds?
Will you at last let the wind carry you farther away from who you are not meant to be?
Tell me
Cailleach, are you not tired from being misunderstood?8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpaJpKJe2YV
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