BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT

Phobia from the perspective of a girl named Khushi.Written by a friend who finally decided to tell her story.

I love animals.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwHSmFKMFm9
I really do.But I can’t go near them. Not because I’m scared of them—But because I’m scared of me.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhnfFJvmL6N
I’ve always had this... space inside me.An emptiness that hums. It feels cold and loud and quiet all at once.I try to ignore it. But sometimes it whispers.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxmQTkXyam
And sometimes, it screams.

I remember the first time it really happened.One second I was laughing with my younger brother—The next, I was slamming his head into the table.Again.And again.And again.Until he stopped moving.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9dHCMXrRbH
I didn’t want to.But I couldn’t stop.When it was over, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.That was the day I knew: something was wrong with me.

It got worse.I started craving blood. Not in a fantasy way. In a physical way.I imagined tearing into the people I loved.My parents.My friends.Alive.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡheEWMcPql4
Their skin. Their smell. Their muscles pulling away from bone.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3BjGXCyUMM
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped touching anyone.To keep them safe, I hurt myself.Scratched my skin raw.Bruised my own body with blunt objects.I counted 110 scars across my legs, my arms, my torso—like tally marks in a prison I built myself.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEZubNZy1vc
I didn’t want to die.I wanted to be caged.

For one year, I rotted quietly.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjjMtvwX3p
Then one night, I caught myself watching my father with a hunger in my eyes that terrified me.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLei4ZN6xwx
I left home the next day.

I moved into a PG far from the city.I begged for a single room. Didn’t get it.Luckily, my roommates were never there when I was.It was like the world was giving me space to fall apart.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ532f1f7aVP
I tried to die seven times.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZJfHqBiju
Jumped from a balcony.Held a knife to my throat.Grabbed a live wire.Stood in front of speeding cars.I always failed. Some part of me—just a thread—held on.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYxxePYSmKs
But the cravings didn’t stop.So I bought handcuffs. Three of them.Every night, I locked my wrists and ankles together before bed, just in case.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhgxY3tDfKd
I didn’t want to become a monster in my sleep.

Six months later, I stood naked in front of a mirror and counted the injuries again.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ48GAL2Z3K9
There were more now.Too many to hide.Too many to keep living like this.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdD3F7iskth
So I asked for help.

The psychologist listened. Didn’t flinch.He said my obsession with blood and flesh was a twisted coping mechanism.A need for control.A desperate scream for power in a world where I once felt powerless.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6XtXSWkPX
He said something inside me had snapped long ago.Something I'd never been taught to name.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUJkS19mvFa
Now I’ve been in treatment for three months.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQsLjh5gz9Y
Still breathing.Still afraid.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVemP2EFUF4
Still me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be "better."I don’t even know what “better” looks like.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrARVLSY00q
But at least now, the monster isn’t hiding.It’s sitting across from me in the mirror.And we’re learning how to live together—without killing anyone.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡduGqqiiud2
Not today.Not again.

[Optional Epilogue: From an Outsider’s Eyes]

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She talks like she’s made of glass, but her eyes are iron.You wouldn’t know what she’s survived unless she told you. You wouldn’t believe her even if she did.But I do. Because sometimes the ones who scare themselves the most… are the ones still trying to protect the world from their darkness.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Usu4TRyY5

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BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT

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