Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFdh39yKDO0
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxy3vHjESqM
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJbM7qRPxAF
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbYuJhr8er3
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCznm9wCmVV
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCTfrHMGxK
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjrMuItOBYO
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiP69gQ2Ad1
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUpn02Z1Z8
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvmGl3RkRp
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOoqBKaT7TF
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0sdAhwFph
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJrWriqBIGx
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGk3nfw1xom
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCIhnHHdzOB
61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9x7EHXDeFc
"Everything is growth"61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFIVjDBpFvE
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAObF70IHAU
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFB0FAigB1a
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXv0QbyYEJH
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYonEoHndgl
I wonder what part of that is alive.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7bDyk8nSs
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5zoxZn9Du9
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5cLQCoRg95
There is no other point in this community.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBqTWYZvZGq
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgXVz7qvhOk
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8GAcQ6gTiH
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5LChgAu6GJ
Whatever that's supposed to mean.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnHu0j2RI4O
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPejsY19FWD
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2EfBj25eAS
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvBTtxVNO2a
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiGVVEn5oFM
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPdCPMaEu6J
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvyZkF4rqtt
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXZTiWo2wvn
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRtaeL47UMM
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdCIbC6dESm
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡllo2EfthNe
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQETAJLYCIg
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4He61voDAU
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2qQOYFq749
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgWigN5mI1V
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8VOgpYIest
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFlf1REqNt
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡziHi1VEq4o
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