My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfI4eAS5aOR
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgCpNKxfoda
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYmOoCMglY
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMXpLGbzVJv
Hmm... 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEhTccO0pP8
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlFok5NoKPj
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQNUMvy5fLa
"You can have have all the adult toys."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8xtCxsSDQp
Except for the pecker enhancer!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRYqJnFGrXM
"That's all I need..."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ73QiZKN7EF
"Wait!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Biv9MDl5n
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWEI1ZSguGu
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSI2VLT2NmF
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrq4hcZKnlX
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU7D8OCOtTa
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrZxq9H8QXn
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd9t6GZd7Gj
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ47Qky7MgbZ
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNtDDLJtCJ5
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡorn16NhT80
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0LqbJdi6Pm
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡog8ssGk4mW
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnmPi80eay0
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4VUsdXVHxV
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSCHs3I07HZ
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfgtuPVvRxq
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6JYXTybSb6
(Sarah laughs)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN3zuF0NDYb
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZpxTsZiq0
"Gosh Darn!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuxVS1AAEU9
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsXSaYkADdz
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYqLwW0O5ph
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGNc7mcojhD
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsBX99IZ8nQ
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡouTLjntuYG
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYVKcgs6Fd
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7rfM5mr1eT
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQL8gJB5ye
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxjRMW8GK12
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9qgbZum4pr
(Sarah says what)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2E19djXvOV
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ76EMEedSuQ
(he laughs and Sarah winks)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPLFT6GQeBE
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3cqquZOOp
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡScNKT6jQu4
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPSqKYKwmWx
(Keith laughs hard)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaJ81sEBlSZ
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWrU0Dnhuj
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmu0aP5HOgZ
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuxo7btR1hr
Honey,545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxPRiNHwqYK
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz9Zj7zK4TN
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxNyRppsrMW
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKmqwN8vurv
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmChNi1JnfH
Keith says,545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiWn4kUOTYc
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV1jiUg60iO
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ25wDhaSdl7
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAFYlpZRFb4
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmFiYIYsVx5
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTGS8ZJbfCA
"Ground beef!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwdqinqLWeC
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXq1eAIue2r
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkwwiIjTPzx
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnVlsu7T6mI
Lawsuits.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOLmL4HmULB
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCugir5krU7
Keith's friends knew him as the 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmmIaPndwoP
Clown Jester of Bakersville.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrorCeCqWtF
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzqrUxawduV
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgTmdqw2YOM
Because he was so outstanding in his field!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDH0myeGwBw
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJVkYkqY3H
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpSBGgBLGfC
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKcjgsLDMd8
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYE6qlnK1VZ
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlk6ycUL0Ir
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXAPjE0Fev4
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCNJKZTPkb
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCMCxKCnVp
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiY8BszfydI
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcgpMi9Fi2D
Having heard them all before, many times.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡovh9yUDBTl
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZLj2sBvywW
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyPtFlJ9MKS
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLaLTuTxPu
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVEs9S04j9B
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZECJlslnMU
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ75RPHX17d8
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zIEJxw306
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOvJ85hPvvc
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVwF5oSsQKO
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYhY21i39ty
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGbmHhV4HY9
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8MlzI1wTnA
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3FHEpyOLBB
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuiqGCsgXkP
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsN3Xfe19Ve
(audience chuckles)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxNnrei2AGH
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi7Jqlx63Mz
I haven't heard from him since.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi9dGUzYldS
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTbaNf8Jh46
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtlhxDowWuo
(audience laughing)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY8PwmVTqUc
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDRf6ujvBAI
She still isn't talking to me.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGpsnA9j5Iy
(Keith smiles)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrcIVpICdIX
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgaG9cim8Uo
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCSOg3eBunh
but I am on the fence!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcVWBa2nofI
(audience laughing hard)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGmCDip8Lq
[He gets on a roll]545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFmkbrh04re
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNKRxv5txyF
She gave me a hug!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFKfLlW1LsF
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCWOVNxLsjk
Hey!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdvqi5P1i1H
What is the worst combination of illnesses?545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFLma480txA
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3JQpLiOt7I
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1A6plZQ1JJ
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHYQyaI15S5
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4QxFZDy3dS
How do you get a squirrel to like you?545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlpaBgBGLYU
Act like a nut.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrESVV8s29O
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkY0LUIdeOD
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZ5qPcBSuk
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsJ3Cisvcd9
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRUPnCxt7Kt
So I Left.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpGwxcPfMxv
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLVRDmk2o1p
"The steaks were pretty high!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx48TiNVe2k
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9RJgfLMYqL
Goodnight!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbPT06GTVoA
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡonpstybpN9
He went home happier545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEwJ5BBYnob
than he ever
Dreamed!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmJZ2jzqw0s
545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjr4GvVTjEx
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