My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWCBHHfykvz
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡme2PUDeikd
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRDYSyoHdYW
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP037BKkJkI
Hmm... 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOpncy3wkYw
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg2Oy5aA8Xe
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkasug38Vid
"You can have have all the adult toys."558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7yQZutzBC
Except for the pecker enhancer!558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI0Q6a5sdgR
"That's all I need..."558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhQAY9OCX3
"Wait!"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡriu3IgpfMt
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1hQVVtZebd
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxPqct6FROC
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWpz0BlQSgI
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdel8ATcgQG
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu0lSC64ary
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxYZB85PAj9
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7p1JdyLKZA
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu9vQwkD38c
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG8Q1TSV20S
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj3xm81Y6Kh
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ45zwUhnavG
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HnwpnotYx
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxqLKhA1fXf
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡidRAVcn6aD
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm0dJ7NaBVf
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJaXTqtzgxr
(Sarah laughs)558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1y07TcpuG2
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5NReNjEtdX
"Gosh Darn!"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkh64WseLTK
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9GISPcQXJM
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSjSZ5NWi3
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQuWdst0Qu
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡArVSqueXY7
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw24rLhjrxt
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKOtxssmlcY
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNGrjm0CUeo
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlhnpqmZCta
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhjpGG7DkOd
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCfxU3AiFFt
(Sarah says what)558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUXSs2mvuTt
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlalXWCaqyj
(he laughs and Sarah winks)558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3gw9so802t
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP4TygT1woj
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ71tsbo4Owq
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTePBAYouA
(Keith laughs hard)558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPdCnKnJm1O
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNgSq17fSmf
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhaBqDDOS1y
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolwxxWL2w4
Honey,558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkl54gFhP11
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujxOZZmQZZ
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh7htm9elWB
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPbbgs2keG
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ23x40nxKZ7
Keith says,558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOzGoqryay3
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAsVzPZCTd
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ002x0STmrz
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS029ay13Ao
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS0SwviiRnZ
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl1rgqsdMXy
"Ground beef!"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwxwAVBqj59
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL9pwNHofwU
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa9RH2rHnDR
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfoxGagUdVa
Lawsuits.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pGVC9h9Pi
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIPFmEV3bnz
Keith's friends knew him as the 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtNPI512LY
Clown Jester of Bakersville.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIjn4xoxzot
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX2K1HFXRZ6
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsvZWFzMOTd
Because he was so outstanding in his field!558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6fpwExi86P
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkDgmD9D0qK
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuuYafXxl5Q
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXzNcLHs6T
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ36LQbhOVhP
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0CDOxXmMHB
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhDozuiDND
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡle6bxM3cUH
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVDMYFlXbw
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvhG9rrT2f
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe3RSDF7LLg
Having heard them all before, many times.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOP0YJIFnh
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXAnKnvqWzf
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjy8vW7D6Ml
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAF2XDhe6dg
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPi3sRSYrDS
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0avquNaNiw
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqsCh8EhUx2
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaA3QVzEICi
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpsXp6Z7GDe
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu66uFPBEn3
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBKaGWavL1d
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH17yiAEWTA
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5kcJBY1oAa
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjAotqqG5Hg
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXiuZu81ZQp
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG6UIKcWX3L
(audience chuckles)558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00TE0YxXBT
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTyv6I5cacm
I haven't heard from him since.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzUErOIgrxR
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu5DlgCXV16
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeoiVT1rBqJ
(audience laughing)558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvXWfg6Shc1
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4qWO5FH6Jo
She still isn't talking to me.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfXD8VH5ELs
(Keith smiles)558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj9N8h9fcAl
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JZHlj2XTb
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ywwnuIQa4
but I am on the fence!558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZxixM0MyP
(audience laughing hard)558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAsyETylrD
[He gets on a roll]558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQS55cf7av
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe6wMpsYVbF
She gave me a hug!558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJeoiKOwoN
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCRPpmW15UE
Hey!558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo684r6PeVf
What is the worst combination of illnesses?558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp50lX39qm5
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc0hMAGicn1
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡysABzzK3Au
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡowZezELk5V
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKHSoPmbmsU
How do you get a squirrel to like you?558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpAVEMIVenT
Act like a nut.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0K871ZQp7z
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6RJD2vVW9
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzSQ4dCVscp
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnk5vhFIgG0
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsitMlQ99eG
So I Left.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfnxAgZLC9N
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbxnN6gbsMt
"The steaks were pretty high!"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCovMe1Nlk
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUSTeo2jZtA
Goodnight!"558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaykIJBVKQJ
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6XpCCq3Npx
He went home happier558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv5cihtkbEY
than he ever
Dreamed!558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FbrjHrSnB
558Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPsRaNzxdbf
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